Monthly Archives: March 2012

Half-way to Hell.

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On March 21st, I turned 35.

I’ve never had an issue with my age as far as telling people what it was. I understood the fear of ageism but grew up in a household where “Screw it, this is me.” was a familiar mantra. I didn’t really celebrate this year which was a bit odd for me. I usually have some sort of epic gathering. (People still talk about our $589 bar tab). This year I wanted it laid back and quiet. After a bit of deliberation, Devo and I took a few days off and drove to Lancaster county to hit up this massive buffet and then some outlets, both of which proved to be a bit disappointing. Neither of us like shopping, Devo hates driving, and we’re both trying to watch our food intake.

So why do all that aforementioned crap?

I guess because I don’t care what I do with him. He’s a blast to be with. A rainy day driving through Amish country becomes a laugh riot.

My birthday itself was a bit of a non event. I went to work and hung with my awesome co-workers, came home, got Devo his dinner and played Mass Effect 3 multiplayer until we both passed out. I was a bit sad I didn’t have a party and that I didn’t really do anything epic, but in the long run I’m ok.

I think a lot about what I should be doing when I hit certain milestones. I never went to college, and that follows me around quite a bit as far as my career goes. I’m starting to get to a point where it’s going to be even more complicated for me to have children. All of my friends are married. I know these things could happen for me in the future, I’m just trying to be ok with however it turns out. With giving up control. Letting it happen naturally.

It’s a bit of a struggle to hold back my want to keep up with those around me. Doing things your own way is charming when you’re in your teens and 20’s. After 30 it can be a bit detrimental if it’s done in the same mindset. My weight holds me back. My lack of education holds me back. All these protective walls I built for myself as a kid crumble down steadily as my priorities shift. Are they my priorities, or am I just giving in to the pressures of the status quo? Is this what I really want, or what everyone expects?

This post is kind of all over the place. I’m kind of all over the place. I’m trying to breathe and just be. My apartment. Man I love. Fairly steady paycheck. All there.

I think I just get stuck sometimes in comfort zones. This may sound weird coming from a girl who got on a plane to Texas to meet the man of her dreams, but change does not come easy for me.

So we’ll see what this year holds. I’ve already started it with the assumption that folks may want to see what’s on my mind, so that’s something. We’re also joining a gym, Devo and I. We’ve both gotten pretty crap bills of health over the past few months from medical professionals so it’ll do us a world of good.

No real warmth or anecdotal tales this week, I’m afraid. I’m allowing myself a day of being overwhelmed and weird.

Just One Fix.

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I’ve always found it kind of strange how we want so badly as humans to fit ourselves into such tiny little molds.

I’ve talked before about how being similar to the universe as we know it isn’t a bad thing. Unavoidable, really. Now I’m going to touch on our differences. I started to really think about this post after abandoning my original idea; three ways I cope with life that I feel make it better for me. Taking compliments, smiling, and not sweating the small stuff.

Simple, right?

I started thinking about what that meant. What makes -me- feel better. I had it sectioned off, planned, I’d been thinking about it all week. I’m going to impart my personal wisdom on to you, the reader, and give out warm fuzzies to everyone!

How dare I?

So I decided instead to post about the nagging feeling I had inside that kept me from my original post. People are wicked different, yo. Some of you may read this and think “Wow, she’s really got her shit together.” Others may think I’m being a preachy know-it-all, but bless their hearts for letting me blather on. Still, no one’s wrong there.

That brought me to music. Most everything brings me back to music. It’s a perfect example of how exceptional we are, and how our ideas of what makes us feel good differs vastly. I’ll use Sonic Youth as an example. Playing at Urban effing Outfitters.

I hate this band. Hate them. I didn’t dare say that in the 90’s because doing such would have you branded a heretic. I’d say something like “Well, I understand their contributions to the grunge era but I’m not a huge fan.” No. They suck. Sorry.

This doesn’t mean that folks that like Sonic Youth are a gang of brainwashed idiots, and it doesn’t mean they’re a bad band. And sorry guys, the same goes for Justin Beiber fans. People like what they like, and hate what they hate. What makes me happy and fixes my life up a bit may make you vomit with rage.

Self help books are another perfect example of this. Perhaps that’s why there’s so many of them. Each preaching a final and perfect answer once you get to the last page. For this, let’s use “The Secret” as an example.

Apparently, The “Law” Of Attraction needed a reference guide. Karma’s got a brand new dress. You can have all the money, love, and happiness in the world as long as you are a little spiritual magnet of happy thoughts. Those of you that suffer from such medical conditions as anxiety, bipolar disorder and depression are obviously doing it wrong. An all too familiar sentiment. When a philosophical leap of faith isn’t working for you, it’s entirely your fault. You’re not trying hard enough. Buy more books, jackass.

To say The Secret is complete crap is very easy, and very played out. It is not, however, entirely true. Books like this help people sometimes because some people really, really like them. Not everyone does. To say that those who read this book and didn’t get it are just lost, stupid humans is just as closed minded as judging someone for disliking a movie. Listening to the wrong music. Going to the wrong church.

(Oops, watch it there tiger.)

Different strokes for different folks. I’m glad some of you get things out of what I write, but reeling myself in and understanding that I can’t fix everyone’s shit is something that keeps me grounded. As well as smiling, Saying “thank you” when complimented, and not sweating the small stuff. It sounds easy seeing it, but it’s still a daily struggle. I had a few days this week where drop-kicking someone sounded fabulous. I even got in minor trouble for trying to talk down another co-worker. It sounds barbaric, but whatever. Over and done with. NEXT!

Not everyone can let things go this easily, and not everyone has the ability to smile problems away. As similar as we are, our differences are tremendous when it comes to what makes us feel good, and what gives us faith. Attempting to pigeon-hole yourself into anything from a scene to a political affiliation is a way to feel like you’ve got people around who get you, but we need to stop using it as a licence to feel superior to folks who don’t.

So I’ll keep doing what makes me feel better, and I’ll keep talking about it, but I don’t expect it to work for everyone. I love human beings, and I love the things they do differently most of all. Of course I’m more than happy to accidentally make someone feel better about themselves, but I can’t write under the illusion that everyone’s going to gain something from it. So, I doubt I’ll be talking to any publishers about “The Three Things.”

Hmm….

 

Dear Diary and everyone else.

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One of the best things about the internet is it’s ability to give us instant, peer-to-peer interaction. This could be anything from friendly advice to something more technical, like the various Live Chat programs many sites provide for instant help and information.

This is a double edged sword, however, when your peers aren’t interested in helping you.

One of the best things I did for my self as a kid was keep a private paper diary. I could say whatever stupid teenage crap I needed to say without fear of backlash from my parents who respected that privacy, or my friends who were on a need-to-know basis. Nowadays, these same typical teenage rants are often broadcast online under the guise of privacy by kids too young to understand the concept, and dying for someone else to empathize.

We all remember this video.

As out of control as this was, and as disappointing it was to see folks in either the “Haha dumb little bitch” camp or the “Lol your daughter’s gonna be a stripper” camp, this is an absolutely textbook teen tude. After this video was made, both the man and his daughter discussed the incident together, and his daughter made it quite clear she had no intention on becoming an adult performer. I won’t go into details on how angry I was that the world at large seems to think the fragile egos of teenage girls drive them solely to sex and ruin, or that exotic dancing is something to be woefully ashamed of, but that’s another post for another day.

Parents need to be wary of this stuff, and kids need to know where it’s okay to write this stuff down to blow off steam. Had I the ability at 13 or 14 years of age to write down my feelings for my small yet opinionated world to see as a kid, I’d probably be extremely confused.

I know this sounds odd coming from someone who has Blogged on the net in one way or another since 2002, ( I look at my LiveJournal and want to claw my face off) but there are certain things that are better off said on paper to absolutely no one. Kids as young as 10 or 11 are now turning to the internet with their worst fears, or their issues with self esteem.

Of course if you read the comments, you’ll find a mix of complete creeps, trolls and people who mean well. Welcome to the internet!

In my last post I talked about how hard it is to NOT struggle with self esteem and identity issues. Parents need to be all over this stuff. Kids are sneaky, and it’s very tough to keep them away from everything that will harm them. I managed to sneak my way into some rather dark tunnels as a kid, but I always had an adult to pull me out.

(Thanks Mom and Dad)

As lame as they’ll probably think you are, encouraging your kids to keep a paper diary may be something you want to try. Understand that you as a parent will probably be the target of vitriol either way, but that’s ok. Every mother or father on the planet will at some point deal with a hormonal, raging child saying awful crap to them. When it comes down to it, they love you. Just shake your head, and love them back. They’re venting. That’s ok. The best part is, they can look at it later and  judge their behavior by themselves with a cooler head. Hopefully!

(Thanks Mom and Dad…again…)

I can’t imagine how awful my self esteem would be if I counted on the internet to make me feel better about myself or dole out advice. It’s ok for the small stuff like where to get Thai Food or whatever…but for big stuff?

Maybe not such a hot idea.

So call me old fashioned if you must, but there’s something to be said for keeping a private paper diary. Something comforting. Knowing you can get something off your chest without having it analyzed to death by your equally confused pals, or winding up pissing off your parents. Granted this isn’t just a teen phenomenon. I see some pretty embarrassingly personal posts on my Facebook by people my age or older. Each to their own, but man.

When something really important comes up and I really need help, I ask the people I trust to be honest with me. I do the same thing when I don’t feel so hot about my looks. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be complimented. It’s normal. People like to feel good about themselves. And for god’s sake, TAKE THE COMPLIMENT. You’d be surprised how much that action alone will change you.

So give it a try. If you’re 11, if you’re 80. Sometimes the best advice comes from your own head once you shake the junk out of it. This is a link to some extremely cute diaries by Kreativlink on Etsy.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/kreativlink

Make it personal! If you’re crafty, make your own!

There is something that’s also rather cathartic in reading old hand-written journal entries. 10 years ago I was so different. I can reflect on the paths that took me to where I am now. Picking up a book the 14 year old me poured her heart out into helps me understand how I’ve grown when I’m feeling stagnant. If there’s more growing to be done. There’s no confusing commentary, just raw me. I’ve been privileged to some of my own mother’s childhood writings, as well as my great grandmothers diaries.

Imagine if my great grandmother’s struggles with marrying outside her religion were plastered on Facebook 100 years ago.

In a nutshell, it is important to write down how you feel, because you can process it. It is not always smart to show everyone else. Approval is something we all seek in one time or another in our lives, and criticism is inevitable. Make sure you get it from the right people. Wanna know where to find a good vegetarian place? Yelp. Wanna know how babby is formed? Ask ur dokter.